Hey readers!
For your viewing pleasure, here’s the script I submitted as my final for my Screenwriting Fundamentals class this semester. It’s about love, and heartache, and drama. Just kidding. It’s about zombies.
Because there simply aren't enough white people on the internet...
Piece of Derck
A nice, personal writing pad for your thoughts 'n stuff
Yearbook Photo…
At my old high school, a place I am happy to have finally escaped, this is the controversy as described by our local paper:
A group of teens, joined by one mother, waved neon signs in front of Durango High School on Wednesday afternoon to protest the elimination of one of the girl’s senior photos from the yearbook.
Sydney Smith organized the protest after administrators told her the senior portrait she submitted would not be printed in the yearbook because her attire in the photo violated dress code, Smith said.
The high school requires that tops “fully cover the chest, back, abdomen and sides of the student.”
A photo Smith submitted for the yearbook shows her wearing a short yellow skirt with a black shawl that exposes her shoulders and midsection.
“It’s a little different from everyone else’s picture,” she said.
A little different Sydney? You’re a nice, obviously staff infected, girl, but even I have to step back for a second to let you know what’s wrong with this picture.
Let’s start with the skirt, which you obviously stole from that toddler dressed as Tinkerbell on Halloween. It’s not that the skirt is particularly short or revealing, but rather that you’ve taken a fabric primarily used in nightgowns and used it to elicit an image most accurately described as Betty Boop being strangled to death with the wardrobe of a high school production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Moving on up we catch a beautiful, Christina-Aguelara-sized chunk of midriff and are pulled in by your top, or lack there of. Upon my initial inspection of the picture I thought our dear Sydney was wearing a tube top, but what do you know a garment with a closed loop is even too much to ask. Instead you, Sydney, have decided to grab whatever you could find, in this case a scarf, and tie it around your lady buisness as if it’s no big deal. Not only is it a big deal to be THAT unable to find something suitable to wear but now you’ve made your torso look like it came from a porn adaptation of Sleepless in Seatle.
Finally we reach your face. If it wasnt apparent by the way your posing you’ve never fully closed your mouth since the day you were born (maybe because you were raised that way or maybe due to some horrible jaw-ligiment-related birth defect). Your make up conjures up images like “blow up doll”, “Playboy Club extra”, or “Community College Orgy”, but you ravenous sour milk colored hair will probably distract from it.
Honestly Sydney I would let you have this picture in the year book, simply so that when you grow up you HAVE to show that to your kids, and give them some indication that then is the time to run away and join the circus. Until then I’m sure there are plenty of dirty men on Las Vegas street corners who would love a stack of business card copies to hand out to their clients.
Baby Names
Lately on TV, I’ve noticed a lot of birth. Last night even it was possible to switch channels from Knocked Up, to True Life: I’m Pregnant, to the Birth episode of American Horror Story, to Toddlers in Tiaras (which is more about the “birth” of mothers with mental disorders). This sudden surge of creepy infants has made me very aware of the number of aggressively awful names parents give their children, here’s my top 20…
- Olymphia
- Blaze
- Opal (Or any other child named after a precious stone)
- Pogo
- Apple
- Humphro
- Nickelback
- Lagoon
- Zara-Lee
- Gwenyth Paltrow
- Shithead (pronounced Shi-theed)
- Yoda
- Graken
- Thor
- Renaissance
- Horton
- Bubba
- Brooklynd
- Snarf
- Eric…Eric is a terrible name…
I Deserve a Sandwich
It’s a well known fact that sandwiches, one of the oldest and most appreciated food forms, have magic properties. Sandwiches can save us from the deepest depressions, reunite families, and probably cure cancer if they really wanted. But it is all to often that we are judged for indulging in one of these tasty creations, so that’s why I created this:
30 Reasons You Deserve a Sandwich
- You had a long day at the office, you deserve a sandwich.
- You’re feeling a little down today, you deserve a sandwich.
- You dropped your phone in the toilet/sink/bowl of cranberry sauce, you deserve a sandwich.
- Your mother reminded you that your job is pointless, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s raining, you deserve a sandwich.
- Legally Blonde is on TBS, you deserve a sandwich.
- You stubbed your toe, you deserve a sandwich.
- You just got dumped, you deserve a sandwich.
- You just started a new relationship, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Sunday, you deserve a sandwich.
- Your boss forgot your birthday, you deserve a sandwich.
- CVS is having a sale on Swiffer replacement pads, you deserve a sandwich.
- You just put your phone on vibrate, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Monday, you deserve a sandwich.
- You just remembered the Jonas Brothers were a thing, you deserve a sandwich.
- You own flip flops, you deserve a sandwich.
- Your printer is out of ink, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Tuesday, you deserve a sandwich.
- You looked straight into the sun like an idiot, you deserve a sandwich.
- Ty Pennington died, you deserve a sandwich.
- You found out it was just a rumor and Ty Pennington didn’t actually die, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Wednesday, you deserve a sandwich.
- You have knees, you deserve a sandwich.
- You blink, sometimes often, you deserve a sandwich.
- You speak english, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Thursday, you deserve a sandwich.
- Cher exists, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Friday, you deserve a sandwich.
- It’s Saturday, you deserve a sandwich.
- YOU JUST DESERVE A SANDWICH.
A PSA about what you’re feeding your birds…
Adele-ta Gamma Pi
When one thinks of Adele, they usually conjure up images of sad teenage girls and middle-aged women, frantically typing this music legend’s name into their iTunes search bar, fingers still dripping with melted ice cream and tears. But contrary to popular belief, EVERYONE gets sad and cries to Adele songs routinely, even a rather surprising demographic: frat guys.
That’s right, frat guys listen to Adele belt out hits as much as the rest of us, the only difference is some of her songs have different meanings to them.
- Rolling in the Deep is a slang term for having unprotected sex with a really slutty sorority girl.
- Chasing Pavements is a frat bonding activity in which new pledges are tied to a moving car and are required to keep up with it to avoid being dragged on the pavement.
- Turning Tables is a drinking game which takes the rules of beer pong and applies them to a high stakes poker table.
- Set Fire to the Rain is a term used to describe when someone vomits up large amounts of Natural Light or another shitty beer.
- Someone Like You is a brilliant song that you weep to when the world gets to be too much, that meaning always stays the same.
Ryan McGayballs O’Queersalot Murphy
If you watch TV, and you’re one of those people who likes to feel hip, then you’ve probably seen something that Ryan Murphy’s had a hand in. The creator of Nip/Tuck, Glee, and American Horror Story has a nasty habit of creating good shows, and then slowly ruining them as a way to torture the fan base he is so quickly losing. Murphy likes using the words “progressive” and “provocative” to describe what everyone else calls “overkill”, “offensive”, “hyper-sexual”, or “so incredibly gay it hurts”. Gay writing is supposed to be some of the best writing out there (follow @imchriskelly on Twitter for proof), yet the shiny ball of gay angst known as Ryan Murphy just misses the mark…by the length of the state of Alaska. The following pictures can be used as wanted ads for anyone who may be able to find and apprehend this criminal:
This is Ryan Murphy dressed like a gay lighthouse for Halloween.
This is Ryan Murphy when he stared on “The Real House-Armadillos of San Francisco’s Tenderloin District”
This is Ryan Murphy ruining a perfectly suitable picture of Lea Michelle.
This is Ryan Murphy trying to elbow Julia Roberts in the boob.
People Puzzles
I was fortunate enough this week to receive a copy of People magazine as a present from myself as I was buying tissues at a local CVS. I don’t usually read the magazine because I like to think of myself as cultured, another word for pretentious, another word for awful, but I thought just this once it would be fun to try it out. Also Bradley Cooper was on the cover and his eyes have this beckoning quality about them. The reason Bradley (we’re on a first name basis) was on the cover of People this issue was because this issue housed their yearly SEXIEST MAN ALIVE competition which Bradley had obvious won due to his eyes and ability to cook and adorable dog and affinity for motorcycles and abs of a Vampire Diaries cast member. After finding my way through the pages of shirtless men, and menless shirts I reached a part of the magazine I had never been to before: The Puzzles Section.
Most people would assume that if you buy People magazine the last thing you’re going to do is figure out the puzzles, but I thought I’d undergo my adventure for the week and try them out. The pinnacle of these puzzles had to be the weekly crossword, in which every clue is a pop culture reference, and for some reason Zooey Deschanel was the answer to literally 9 different clues. By the end of the puzzle I realized that I don’t know as much about pop culture as previously expected, because I got stumped and had to go back and change most of my answers. I got the following wrong:
- Hotel Rowanda did not take place in New Jersey.
- Infant Hunters is not the name of a popular show on the History Channel.
- Ingrid Bergman’s character in Casablanca was not named Broomhilda.
- Rihanna was not on Dancing With the Stars
- Gustaf Neelson is not a real person.
- There is no Real Housewives of South Compton
Overall the puzzle did not go well. Really the only parts of the crossword that I knew were about Activia yogurt and the Ice Age trilogy. Oh well, better luck next time.
P.S. What’s a five letter word for “Joan Rivers’ stage name”?
Oh wait, I got it, it’s “JOWLS”
I Blog Now?
Hello Internet! Hello World! Hello citizens of Whoville!
My name is Alden, and this is my blog. I decided to start this little web nugget as a way to fill the free time in my life, make people laugh, and prove to my grandma that I’m not a failure. I’ll be posting stuff on this page as often as possible, to keep the one homeless person that reads this blog happy, and later on I might even start posting videos so that you all have a face to associate with the material you cant remember why you started reading! So read away, be free, be merry, be naked, maybe don’t be naked, and check back in every so often for more of the words I said once!
Sincerely,
Alden Derck
